I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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