in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
