direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
