I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize