Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
