I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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