It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
