i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
