And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
