if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
