and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
