this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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