K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
