I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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