I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I can text with my tongue
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
