Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
