I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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