He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
