You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
