if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
