He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
