had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
