I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
At least life still wants to fuck me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
