Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
