listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
