She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize