Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
