Ambien. No doubt about it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
