I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
