If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
