normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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