Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
