cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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