1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize