At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The struggles of a small town man whore
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
