five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
