I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
