Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
