upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
