we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
