My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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