Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
