dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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