Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
