Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
