I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
