WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
