he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
