member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
