Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
