Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
im having a threesome with these popsicles
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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