I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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