Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
