Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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