At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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