matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
