before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
