and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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