New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You are the jesus of drinking
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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