there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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