You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize