Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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