tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
