I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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